Expected results

My life this past year has been a whirlwind of events. Well I guess my life for the past three years has been a whirlwind but at least I had school to ground me. And that's what I have come back to in the end.

I have run from myself long enough. I keep trying to find reasons to postpone dealing with me and Heavenly Father keeps forcing me to do so. All I have ever known is people walking away from me. All I have ever felt is inadequate and I guess falling in love doesn't make any of those things go away. If anything it makes it worse.

I thought things were going to be different this time. I thought we were going to be something great together but here I am...facing loneliness for the billionth time in my life. People must think that since I have experienced it time and time again I must be a pro at coping with it...wrong! I have just become more terrified of it because I know what lies ahead. I know the feelings that are to come and I know the heartbreak that still awaits me. All I can do right now is ask why. Not in a doubting way but in an inquisitive, curious way. I want to know what the significance of all this was.

I feel I am at the end of my rope. Only the good Lord above can give me divine strength to get through this because I sure know that my own mortal strength could never do the job. I just can't believe that I am being asked to go through this all over again. He sure does test us. OH how He tests us.

I don't know how I am going to handle this. All I know is that I feel extreme fear. Fear of pain. Fear of doing this all over again. I know we can never feel joy without pain but what if you've all ready felt the pain and you thought it was time for the joy. You got a glimpse of it and now it's gone. From blissful thoughts of being wed to the terrifying reality of having to be alone all over again. It's just not right.

I pray I will find the purpose of all this in due time. I pray I will endure well. I pray I will live happily. I pray that He will come to my rescue. I pray that I will be healed.