Heavy Heart

So much has happened!

I have dedicated myself to school and serving a mission in two years' time. I know!!! What a dramatic difference from the life I was living. But Father has touched my heart and it is what I must do and what I want to do to prove to Him how much I love Him. He rescued me. I have no reason but to live in gratitude everyday.

So he left me lonely and abandoned in an empty apartment on June 2. We had a rocky "friendship" until about a month ago when he basically null and voided our entirely relationship and love. I have not spoken to him since nor will I for as long as I live.

I know I am being "good" and making better choices but somehow my heart is still so broken. I am crying out for someone to rescue me. Someone to save me from myself. Someone to heal my heart or subdue the pain so I don't have to feel it. I've been doing really well so far when it comes to concentrating on my school work but tonight has been difficult. I can't feel Him. My heart prays He'll come to save me.

No one will ever heal our hearts. That is His job. I give my heart to Him. I want Him to heal it and give it back to me, piece by piece, until I am ready to handle a whole heart on my own without giving it to intruders who will just pervert the privilege. Where is the line of loneliness? Where does our dependence end and reliance on good friendships begin? Who can we really turn to? When you come from a dysfunctional family it's hard to tell your friends from your foes.

I know I am getting a little better everyday. I have my bad days but I don't let them set me back. I am working on forgiving him one moment at a time. I want to forgive him for myself. I don't want him to be apart of my being anymore. He destroyed my spirit and I let him. Why do we do that to ourselves? Why do we find the people in this world who will only prove our insecurities right? Why do we want validation in who we aren't instead of looking for encouragement to be who we were meant to be?

We're scared to be the greatest we innately were born to be. I wish I could say why but if I knew the answer to that I wouldn't be so distressed. I call upon divine strength everyday to prove me wrong and alter my inner voices to want validation in the positive attributes I possess. I am worth saving. I am worth forgiving. I am worth the fight.

YOU are worth saving. YOU are worth forgiving. YOU are worth the fight. He is willing to fight...sometimes the damsel is too stubborn to let her prince slay the dragon. Let Him slay your dragons. There may be a small amount of effort on your part but it will pale in comparison to his battle against the evil beast who desires to keep you from your kingdom. Be the princess...not the victim.

Emotions

Two jobs. Not enough time.

I am so bogged down with a plethora of emotions right now. I moved out to live with my Dad only to realize that I didn't ever live with him as a child for a reason. Tensions were high and it wasn't a sanctuary. But now I have returned to the place were I have to be reminded every day of the sands of time that slip through my fingers with every second that passes.

I have been here before. The place where you know it's going to end but this time was different. I was never expecting this to end. I thought forever was my time line...not 6 weeks. Within just a matter of moments I can feel sad, frustrated, and sometimes absolutely angry. Why would I meet him, fall madly in love, just to say goodbye? What lesson is there to learn? Or was it never part of the plan? Were we never meant to fall in love?

I know I am still quite young and have much to learn in this life but I wonder if I have learned anything yet. I am terrified that I will respond to my current situation like I have to a very similar experience from three years ago. I don't want to live in that kind of loneliness and feel empty just because a man left. Why were we women built to be so insecure when really we're the ones who have to hold it together?

Usually the words just flow but today I am pausing a lot...

My mind is one big cloud. I have so many dreams but none of them seem to be working out. I am done with the rollercoaster ride of my twenties and they have only just begun. I was raised with everyone always a step ahead and that's where I've wanted to be my entire life. One step ahead... But I'm not allowed. I'm not allowed to live like a 30 year old when I am only 20. I'm not allowed to have the life and family I want right now because I am only 20. I could just ride it through but I want to be present for my life experience. It's difficult to be here on this earth surrounded by people whom you have to interact with and yet can't compare yourself to for it will only drive you insane. You're supposed to live your life not worrying about others' paths but helping them along the way. Is anyone else confused by that concept or am I the only one who sees the complexity in life that way?

My thoughts are so scattered....welcome to my mind for the last couple of days. And it may get worse. Who knows.

Today, yesterday, and possibly tomorrow are emotional days. Tears. Rage. Numbness. Tears again. All the while he just goes about his day. Expecting a smile... But the sun cannot shine when the rain is present. And if by some chance it does the clouds aren't far behind to mask its warming rays to remind you of the true forecast for today. Rain.

My only response to him right now is to push him away. To make is easier when he leaves. Because if things are good there won't be any real reason for him to go or we'll forget why he has to. But if things aren't good we'll know exactly why he's leaving and I'll... WHY??????????

My heart is breaking. No more needs to be said.

Expected results

My life this past year has been a whirlwind of events. Well I guess my life for the past three years has been a whirlwind but at least I had school to ground me. And that's what I have come back to in the end.

I have run from myself long enough. I keep trying to find reasons to postpone dealing with me and Heavenly Father keeps forcing me to do so. All I have ever known is people walking away from me. All I have ever felt is inadequate and I guess falling in love doesn't make any of those things go away. If anything it makes it worse.

I thought things were going to be different this time. I thought we were going to be something great together but here I am...facing loneliness for the billionth time in my life. People must think that since I have experienced it time and time again I must be a pro at coping with it...wrong! I have just become more terrified of it because I know what lies ahead. I know the feelings that are to come and I know the heartbreak that still awaits me. All I can do right now is ask why. Not in a doubting way but in an inquisitive, curious way. I want to know what the significance of all this was.

I feel I am at the end of my rope. Only the good Lord above can give me divine strength to get through this because I sure know that my own mortal strength could never do the job. I just can't believe that I am being asked to go through this all over again. He sure does test us. OH how He tests us.

I don't know how I am going to handle this. All I know is that I feel extreme fear. Fear of pain. Fear of doing this all over again. I know we can never feel joy without pain but what if you've all ready felt the pain and you thought it was time for the joy. You got a glimpse of it and now it's gone. From blissful thoughts of being wed to the terrifying reality of having to be alone all over again. It's just not right.

I pray I will find the purpose of all this in due time. I pray I will endure well. I pray I will live happily. I pray that He will come to my rescue. I pray that I will be healed.

Unfulfilled

All I have ever wanted for years was to have someone to lie next to at night. I have that...

I don't know if my feelings of dissatisfaction come from the current situation I am in- jobless and waiting for the fall to come so I can return to school- or if I am just doomed to be this way forever. I was in school but I was lonely and pined for love. I have love but I am unproductive and long to feel accomplished. When will I ever just settle into myself? I dream of adventures in far-off places and long for the excitement of exploration. For some reason I can't find that excitement in the day-to-day mundane activities of life. I feel incomplete.

Being in a position like this makes me question my purpose. It makes me wonder what I have to live for... It's truly depressing and I hate to give off such negative energy but we all know I wear my heart on my sleeve. I find myself pulling away. I find myself unable to enjoy what is right in front of me. I have never been good at just sitting back and letting things happen. I find that terrifying. I love to be the one to just grab the bull by the horns and hold on for dear life.

I just keep praying for something...peace would be nice but I will take anything right now. I almost feel numb. That's the worst. Numb means you're not living...numb means you're dead inside. I am entirely too young and vivacious to be numb. I pray I will find purpose. I pray we'll all find purpose.

Trust

Trust is an interesting thing. I say "thing" because I can't really describe it any other way. Trust is the golden ticket in life yet it is the most difficult concept to grasp. I have HUGE trust issues. And right now I just don't know how else to deal with them other than to give myself the time to heal from past wounds so I can trust the present and future.

Once upon a time I trusted everyone. But slowly as time passed I began to realize that people were abusing that trust. Not in small ways but completely violating me in the most intimate ways. To trust someone is to be vulnerable. Being vulnerable is terrifying when you've had others take your vulnerability and run with it. Vulnerability has become weakness in my eyes...

To a lot of people I come off as very strong but inside I am just like everyone else. I am weak and scared.

I have learned to identify my problems. My biggest problem is my addiction to attention. I am not tempted by substances. But attention....I can't seem to get enough of it. You have to understand one thing about me. I was never the pretty girl...I never went on dates really. All I ever wanted was the attention of the opposite sex because I wanted love and for some reason I felt those correlated. When I finally started getting attention I was on cloud 9. At first I wasn't addicted. I was still very trustworthy and knew where to draw the line but as things got worse and my trust in these people became more and more violated I began to hunger for attention. Any kind. Good or bad. I couldn't be alone. I couldn't stand to not have someone interested in me. But of course it never lasted long because I was a mess. They would soon figure that out and leave. So then my trust would diminish and my self-worth went with it. If I wasn't getting attention...I wasn't worth anything. What a sad life.

I still struggle with this even though I am in a very monogamous relationship with a man I want to spend the rest of my life with. We have had one hell of a rollercoaster ride for sure but in the end we still love each other. We're here together and making it work because we both feel it's meant to be. But just because we want this to work doesn't mean that our fears and weaknesses vanished over night. I absolutely love him with all of my heart and I know it's difficult for him to understand all of this but he needs to know that I am a work in progress. Some people are paint by number pieces of artwork that can be figured out in a couple of hours and some people are Michelangelo masterpieces that take years to study and understand every detail. I just hope that he doesn't get overwhelmed by the complexity of the piece before he's understood the meaning in every detail.

I have never proclaimed to be perfect or to have it all figured out. And for some reason it is very important for me to figure it out otherwise I wouldn't be so concerned with what I am feeling and how I am acting. I would just be like every other 20 year old and live life on a whim. I don't want to be 40 and figuring myself out. I want to do it now before I ruin too much of my life. I just pray that I will be given a chance and not thrown to the wayside. I am strong and I have survived so much internal turmoil that I know I can make it.

Time still exists....

Sorrows and Smiles

Oh this week....a mistake, a heartbreak, a sacrifice, a love renewed. That's a lot to happen in one week but I wouldn't have changed a thing. I have learned so much in the last few weeks that has proven itself in the last few days. I have learned that so many people in this world are afraid of feeling. That's why so many end up alone. That's why so many doubt the existence of our Heavenly Father. That's why so much bad happens in the world. I have learned that we all are guarded and try our best to protect ourselves from pain. What a ridiculous attempt for without pain there is no joy.

I will admit that my life is always full of dramatic dialogues and absurd story lines but I wouldn't have it any other way. I love how spontaneous I am. I am sad though that life has suppressed my free spirit in the last couple of years. I used to love with no reservations. I used to give my all. I have become so cautious. I want to love freely. Though love makes us vulnerable I would much rather spend a day loving and 100 hurting than avoiding those 100 days only to realize that there isn't a day left to love. I have to learn to let go and allow love to fill my heart. We were sent here to love one another and yet sometimes it can be the most difficult part of living. But without love we aren't really living. Love heals us. Love protects us. Love makes us who we are. Love from others, love for others, love for ourselves...it all counts.

I have to block out the negative energy and allow only love to reside in me. I have to destroy my doubts and reservations about loving and open myself up to a world of joy. The world wants us to be unhappy...like attracts like. My goal is to love and I will be loved. My goal is to find joy and I will bring joy. Those who are struggling or have closed themselves off to happier aspirations may say that I am too young or it will never work but to them I say "Watch me!" If I have learned one thing so far in life it's that most people who give you advice do so because they had a bad experience. I don't want my head to dictate situations that involve the heart. I don't want to ever feel like I didn't love enough. What a sad thought. I just want to make sure that I am loving to my fullest every single day and lay my head down at night knowing I did my very best.

Love....it's full of sorrows and smiles but in the end you'll only remember every moment that created those smiles.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0N2v9gRNcrg

Internal Turmoil

It's so difficult to just live in the moment. Lately I have been feeling like I need to rush everything. I have always told myself that it'll get better when.... Well that's just silly. I will never be happy in the moment if I live that way and then one day I will realize that I never really enjoyed my life while I was living it. What a sad tale to have to tell.

I should be so grateful for what I have. I am here with my family and friends who absolutely love me. I have a man whom I love with all of my heart and loves me perfectly. Why am I so unsettled?

I think Heavenly Father has given me this time to find myself. He has given me the opportunity to slow down- which I have never really done-and take a second to enjoy life no matter my circumstances.

For once I am able to just be me and I find it more difficult than having things to do. I hid behind my outward successes. Well that can only last for so long before your true colors start to shine through.

So here is my conclusion: I choose to experience it all...good and bad. I choose to love him every day. I choose to love myself no matter where I am at in life. I choose to find success in patience, love, and honesty. I choose to believe the unknown. I choose to let the past go. I choose to not be afraid.

We cannot try to keep ourselves from hurting but we can allow ourselves to let it go once the pain is no longer necessary. Don't hold on to things just to punish yourself. You deserve happiness. Stop trying to find ways to be unsettled...