Emotions

Two jobs. Not enough time.

I am so bogged down with a plethora of emotions right now. I moved out to live with my Dad only to realize that I didn't ever live with him as a child for a reason. Tensions were high and it wasn't a sanctuary. But now I have returned to the place were I have to be reminded every day of the sands of time that slip through my fingers with every second that passes.

I have been here before. The place where you know it's going to end but this time was different. I was never expecting this to end. I thought forever was my time line...not 6 weeks. Within just a matter of moments I can feel sad, frustrated, and sometimes absolutely angry. Why would I meet him, fall madly in love, just to say goodbye? What lesson is there to learn? Or was it never part of the plan? Were we never meant to fall in love?

I know I am still quite young and have much to learn in this life but I wonder if I have learned anything yet. I am terrified that I will respond to my current situation like I have to a very similar experience from three years ago. I don't want to live in that kind of loneliness and feel empty just because a man left. Why were we women built to be so insecure when really we're the ones who have to hold it together?

Usually the words just flow but today I am pausing a lot...

My mind is one big cloud. I have so many dreams but none of them seem to be working out. I am done with the rollercoaster ride of my twenties and they have only just begun. I was raised with everyone always a step ahead and that's where I've wanted to be my entire life. One step ahead... But I'm not allowed. I'm not allowed to live like a 30 year old when I am only 20. I'm not allowed to have the life and family I want right now because I am only 20. I could just ride it through but I want to be present for my life experience. It's difficult to be here on this earth surrounded by people whom you have to interact with and yet can't compare yourself to for it will only drive you insane. You're supposed to live your life not worrying about others' paths but helping them along the way. Is anyone else confused by that concept or am I the only one who sees the complexity in life that way?

My thoughts are so scattered....welcome to my mind for the last couple of days. And it may get worse. Who knows.

Today, yesterday, and possibly tomorrow are emotional days. Tears. Rage. Numbness. Tears again. All the while he just goes about his day. Expecting a smile... But the sun cannot shine when the rain is present. And if by some chance it does the clouds aren't far behind to mask its warming rays to remind you of the true forecast for today. Rain.

My only response to him right now is to push him away. To make is easier when he leaves. Because if things are good there won't be any real reason for him to go or we'll forget why he has to. But if things aren't good we'll know exactly why he's leaving and I'll... WHY??????????

My heart is breaking. No more needs to be said.