Heavy Heart

So much has happened!

I have dedicated myself to school and serving a mission in two years' time. I know!!! What a dramatic difference from the life I was living. But Father has touched my heart and it is what I must do and what I want to do to prove to Him how much I love Him. He rescued me. I have no reason but to live in gratitude everyday.

So he left me lonely and abandoned in an empty apartment on June 2. We had a rocky "friendship" until about a month ago when he basically null and voided our entirely relationship and love. I have not spoken to him since nor will I for as long as I live.

I know I am being "good" and making better choices but somehow my heart is still so broken. I am crying out for someone to rescue me. Someone to save me from myself. Someone to heal my heart or subdue the pain so I don't have to feel it. I've been doing really well so far when it comes to concentrating on my school work but tonight has been difficult. I can't feel Him. My heart prays He'll come to save me.

No one will ever heal our hearts. That is His job. I give my heart to Him. I want Him to heal it and give it back to me, piece by piece, until I am ready to handle a whole heart on my own without giving it to intruders who will just pervert the privilege. Where is the line of loneliness? Where does our dependence end and reliance on good friendships begin? Who can we really turn to? When you come from a dysfunctional family it's hard to tell your friends from your foes.

I know I am getting a little better everyday. I have my bad days but I don't let them set me back. I am working on forgiving him one moment at a time. I want to forgive him for myself. I don't want him to be apart of my being anymore. He destroyed my spirit and I let him. Why do we do that to ourselves? Why do we find the people in this world who will only prove our insecurities right? Why do we want validation in who we aren't instead of looking for encouragement to be who we were meant to be?

We're scared to be the greatest we innately were born to be. I wish I could say why but if I knew the answer to that I wouldn't be so distressed. I call upon divine strength everyday to prove me wrong and alter my inner voices to want validation in the positive attributes I possess. I am worth saving. I am worth forgiving. I am worth the fight.

YOU are worth saving. YOU are worth forgiving. YOU are worth the fight. He is willing to fight...sometimes the damsel is too stubborn to let her prince slay the dragon. Let Him slay your dragons. There may be a small amount of effort on your part but it will pale in comparison to his battle against the evil beast who desires to keep you from your kingdom. Be the princess...not the victim.